1.7.09 -- Troubling Notions
Weird to say but a lot of ups and downs have been happening lately. Right now as I am, gotta say the shocking death of 'King of Pop'
Michael Jackson following the already heartbreaking one of
Farrah Fawcett's...and I don't even want to finish that sentence, let alone think I can.
Maybe that's what's been affecting my sullen moods lately? Then again, it might just be the horribly-depressing job of housekeeping that's got me in the down-lows. Whatever.
For sure, the two
Hollywood Icons will both be remembered.
~O~I guess I've had quite a lot to think about lately too. It's my last week here in
Malaysia, and while people never seem to fail in hassling me with questions such as "Are you ready?" or "So how do you feel?", frankly, I'm tiring of it. I don't know if I'm ready. How does anyone truly know such a thing anyway? I'm not a heavenly being, I don't predict the future--of course I don't know. And as to my feelings about the upcoming leave, I don't know that either. It's my first time having to be independent in a foreign country. I've never been the best at reading or describing emotions to others. Words like 'excited', 'sad', 'afraid', none of it even seems anywhere close to synonymous with the emotions surging through my veins. So how can I tell you? What am I suppose to say?
~O~*Sighs* I wonder if people even think about how it hurts--not knowing how or what to feel in a situation such as this.
I hope people will understand that each individual is unique and thus, behaves differently under different circumstances. So just because I don't cry, say things that seem out of context, dislike certain likable norms or act distant or indifferently, doesn't mean I don't feel the more common things others do. It is just the rare, weird, awkward side of me; the side that has spent most of these past 18 years being an outcast with nowhere to belong.
~O~
I've realized something about myself too. How I've always failed to form strong bonds with the various people in my life. I have few friends who know the true side of me, if otherwise none at all. It may sound crazy, considering one of my greatest fears is feeling that crushing sense of loneliness but I guess I'm just wary of putting my trust in people. As I gradually grow, one by one the people in my life end up betraying that trust, hurting me in some way or another. And while I forgive them and try to move on the damage has already been done and I can no longer go back to the way I use to be with that person. It's probably the reason that after 18 years of living I've never had a best-friend. I can't seem to get myself in a relationship either, so again emerges that foreboding of spending the rest of my days alone. It sure doesn't help that so many people are getting married these days either. Torture, pure torture. Someone please prove me wrong.
~O~Sometimes I think the thoughts in my head are the weirdest, most inhumane things imaginable. If you lived a lie for nearly 18 years you tell me how you'd feel. Would you know who you truly are? Would you care about the things going on around you? School, relationships, gossip, news; I find it funny in a mildly sadistic way--how little I can actually care about such things. Nothing fazes you, nothing excites you; nothing's worth fighting for, living for. You hate seeing other people so happy; you wish they would just stop the laughter and go away. To wish you had never been born. To want revenge for being alive. Is this depression, or something else? Whatever it is I want it to leave me be.
~O~"The heart dies a slow death, shedding each hope like leaves. Until one day there are none.""Dreams can be such dangerous things; they smolder on like a fire does, and sometimes consume us completely.""If you'd asked me why I wanted these things, I would have answered, why does a ripe persimmon taste delicious? Why does wood smell smoky when it burns?"[-Memoirs of a Geisha-]
The rest is still unwritten...
