The Diva

19.10.09 -- Because I Decided

A lot has happened, and yet, all the same nothing really has. Does that make sense? Well, it should.

Alas, my first semester as an RMIT Media student has come and gone (though I still have an essay haunting me for completion). And how do I feel about the experience? Well, it’s an interesting one to say the least; definitely different. Throughout the semester I’ve made some friends and discovered a few interesting notions; things that have provoked lots of thought and a reinvention of my view of the world in some cases. It’s funny what people can learn as they grow older, only to realize they could have so used such knowledge ages ago.

Maybe then things would be different. Heck they sure would. If I knew half the stuff I do today and had the ability to turn back time and do it over…I so would. I’d definitely change a few things—not quitting artistic gymnastics for one (I so could have gone national, bah!). I would definitely change the way I was in primary school too, along with my behavior throughout middle and high school—cause now I know life doesn’t revolve around good grades and living up to your parents' wants or expectations of you. Sure that’s a big deal all the same but still, I’ve realized that it really is MY life to lead. So I should lead it MY way, be who I want to be (lol, there comes the Shugo Chara! influence).

I little too late of a discovery in my opinion—it’s not exactly the easiest thing in the world to switch your life around a 180 degrees.

*Beware: Another one of my foolish reflections on my way-too-unlived life which will likely face deletion (this post I mean) some weeks down the road, lol~ XP

As far back as I can remember I’ve never been particularly happy about the way my life is. Day by day I’d wake up only to another boring, unfulfilled day: dress in the same clothes or uniform, eat the same boring thing for breakfast, exit the same front door, ride the same car to school or college, learn the same subjects, all over and over again. To me life was this stupid, almost pointless repetition of tasks I had to put up with, almost all of which I seriously had no heart in doing. There was nothing in school for me, I know that much. Lessons were bordering on too easy and acing subjects even without studying became the way of things—well, until I hit the important years of Forms 4 and 5 and had to deal with the dreaded SPM exam (which nearly destroyed me in a way, thank you very much!).

Oh no, it didn’t have to do with the subjects being too hard, or me not understanding what I was being taught or anything like that. Plain and simple, I finally realized the past 16 years of my life was this huge, fat lie. The world around me was changing and I couldn’t deal with that change (darns me). I didn’t know who I was anymore. I didn’t know why I woke up everyday only to face a day more depressing than the one before it. I didn’t know why I kept going back to school when I knew there was nothing to be learnt, when there were no real friends waiting to see me. I really didn’t understand why I continued to live my life when I clearly, outright hated it to the core. There just seemed no reason to go on and before I knew it I’d landed myself in a deep pool of pitch-black darkness. I wasn’t eating, had trouble sleeping, couldn’t concentrate on my studies, entirely refused to go back to school, and locked myself in my room more than half the time I was home (which was practically the whole time XP). What upsets me most I suppose was that no one else seemed to care of my slipping into darkness. Day after day of absence from school and not one 'friend' (should have known) bothered calling or saying anything to me through the web. It felt like nobody cared. It felt like I could just lay down and die and no one would even feel sad and mourn. Was I so insignificant to this world? I needed something to prove me wrong and I still do—need something that is.

Over the years I found myself observing others, mostly the people I called friends. It bugged me how they all seemed capable of leading ordinary lives in comparison to mine. I watched them bond with each other, forming all sorts of relationships; some lasting, some not. There were times when they took their own tumbles in life and me, being there for them (simply because I had nowhere else to be), would let them rant out their frustrations to me. Always listening, never really doing or saying anything worthwhile in return. I think some people thought this weird. I just wasn’t the kind who could comfort people. All I really could do was listen. And yet, half the time I bet I was aching to question whoever why they were so upset over the simplest of tribulations. A boyfriend or girlfriend cheating, lying, a break-up, financial problems, a fight with a best-friend. It really all seemed so trivial (minus financial problems XP); maybe because I’ve never had any real experience with either situation before. I guess I find myself so desperate for closeness with another person these days because I want to understand better—hopefully.

I used to think the rest of the world was weird and I used to think companionship was useless. But as always, those are mere perceptions and perceptions can change with time, age, or experience. Cheerleading has greatly awakened my desire for companionship, the spotlight and the hope that there’s something better out there in life. I guess because of this leaving the sport was what nearly crushed me. Still, in the end memories of my time as a cheerleader in itself (I suppose) have kept me going and remains the primary reason I decided to pick myself up when no one else would so much as bother to lend a hand. For half a decade it has been my light in the pitch-black darkness (meh, and here's the Kingdom Hearts influence XP). That first routine on the competition mat, performed with my group of enthusiastic teammates, listening to the deafening roar of a cheering crowd was unbelievable, indescribable. I think till today that it is the sole moment in my life when I truly felt alive and is definitely something I’ll always treasure.

As I am now, I believe I know what I want. Unfortunately those wants may as well stay just that—unrealized dreams, existing only within my mind. It doesn’t really bother me so much anymore (something I find surprising) and I’ve realized that I can live with things the way they are. Life isn’t great, that’s fact; but it isn’t exactly terrible either. I’m still young anyway (or so people tell me), maybe I’ll find something out there that’s really worth living for soon. Besides, I still have my imagination and the online world to live that so-called dream through—a somewhat satisfactory alternative.

So why did I write all this? Well, it's my blog: I can write/say what I want about myself and the way I see things (it's not like I'm typing out some evil plot to overthrow the U.S. government or something--or am I? Lolz!). Honestly, I've just been blog-hopping and reading what some people I know have been writing about their lives and somehow felt compelled to rant.

Shall leave you all with something that totally caught my attention. Now I haven't been the greatest Morning Musume (Momosu) fan out there but they've been getting a lot of nice songs lately, not to mention just about every member of the group is a great dancer and singer with really nice voices. This is, in my opinion, their best single yet; especially since member Eri blew me away (I'm usually for Ai or Reina more). In any case, presenting 'Kimagure Princess'!

Peace out peeps! ^_^

The rest is still unwritten...